For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
