no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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