You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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