I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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