Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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