how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Randomize
