just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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