I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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