Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
