He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Randomize
