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Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
