Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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