I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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