It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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