I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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