I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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