he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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