Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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