She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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