Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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