last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize