I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
