Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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