i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
