nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
