Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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