just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
there is glitter all over my balls
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