Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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