I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
