I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
