Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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