I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
