I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
