Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize