hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
