EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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