twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
