Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
