You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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