I just cut my nipple shaving
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
