Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
