I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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