a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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