Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
