Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
