It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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