I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
