dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
