his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
