I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
