overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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