You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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