It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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