he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
