The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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