Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
