i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
