Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
